(Okay, okay, I am projecting here, but again, I had way too many friends who were all way to into Buffy back in the day. You also said that your daughter ~does~ participate in her fathers well-liked activities when he asks (& I do think you can do your part to encourage her participation, if youre not already.). Meanwhile, hed try to force what he thought was important onto me. 1. I agree with you to some extent. Tell them in detail what you like about them. Yes, he makes fun of my sister and mother and i whenever we talk a lot about Girly things, like makeup and hair, which I find annoying and a little jerky; but I dont think hes failed at parenting because of it. So is telling your daughter that the things she listens to or your conversations are annoying. And then, the next morning, he was an angel and brought me coffee in bed. Oh trust me, the Buffy fanbase is alive and strong just go check out r/Buffy! So insightful! July 3, 2013, 1:13 am, Wait, is it possible to watch Sarah Michelle Gellar try to act and NOT roll your eyes? If he can target things toward what she might like, then shell probably be more receptive. And theyre relationship suffered because my dad never made an effort to step up and show interest in what he was interested in. If not, don't let this spoil your friendship and do what you can to keep her busy with other things so that she has less time to focus on this guy. You dont have to love Justin Bieber and Broadway to just ask the kid why she loves it so much. I would suggest, while lending an ear to her feelings about her father, gently suggesting she go to him and tell him, without whining or accusing (I dont know that she does either, but I know that tends to shut people down) how his rejection of her makes her feel. I notice my 14-year-old daughter and her 17-year-old brother, enemies of old, enjoying a detente in the TV room over Xbox and popcorn. If your daughter has seen you and your husband arguing or otherwise being unhappy together, she may start to feel like she needs to choose sides. Their only way out of that entrapment is to keep their partners owing them. TONS of teenagers are interested in Buffy, Firefly, and (new) Star Trek. A highly critical parent or parents, resulting in a high sensitivity to being judged on performance. Both of them are alike in that they are argumentative, particularly with each other, and if they disagree with each other or even have a misunderstanding neither will let it go, such that we end up with ridiculous escalating fights. And we always managed to have fun and more than a few laughs. Then my partner came along. July 2, 2013, 1:17 pm. I can't even. I think this is what the LW needs to communicate to her husband. Unfortunately, the old woman fell ill, and Janet had to marry a worthless man in place of her parents' biological daughter to meet the maid's medical expenses. I thought Wendys first sentence was actually pretty snotty which surprised the heck out of me. Hes got to find ways to connect his interests with hers. Theyre bonding against him because hes being hurtful to both of them. Whatever you do, make sure you stay true to yourself. He probably reached Buffy overload YEARS ago and now here it is every morning at the breakfast table. She can only control her own behaviour, which is why Wendy is addressing hers and not his. I think you are probably right. July 2, 2013, 11:40 am. Why should your husband treat her that way?? He wants to force his daughter to conform to the kind of person who enjoys the things that he does, and cutting her down for not being competitive (which usually means involved in team sports) and forcing her to do homework to his liking is not the same as an involved parent working to help his child become well rounded. And lets face itthe daughter is about to become a teenager. He is clearly not getting the message. Did I fight with my dad as a teenager? Too little time to post! As always, your anonymity is golden. From one mom to another. And for your husband to expect your daughter to have more than your own vapid interests, REALLY doesnt make him a bad parent. Every time I try to get ahead of the game, I feel like the rug is pulled out. Then wed throw it back and go back to just hanging out. But if she IS uninformed, then its good for him to point it out and provide her with ways to become informed. July 2, 2013, 10:32 am. Its not easy being caught in the middle, but its important to remember that you cant please everyone all the time. I firmly believe that there is no such thing as reading too much. Why Does Your Daughter Wants You To Leave Your Husband? Though of course, there are ways to encourage a daughter to experience some parts of being a teenage girl which also are good (like trying to get them to go to at least one sporting event in high school if they have someone to go with, trying to get them to ask one person out on a date, to invite one person over to hang out, etc.) Show interest in his interests. No. No matter what state the person is in, he or she may face criminal prosecution of drunk driving when behind the wheel with a confirmed blood alcohol content of 0.08 percent or higher as the national limit. Rather than the lover-partner-wife-prized companion to be loved and cherished and lavished with attention slot. Overly forgiving and intensely devoted partners do not help their partners by taking their patterns personally and destroying their own confidence when they cannot control the outcome. Who knows? Parent first, friend second. Dad thinks Im stupid. Dad thinks Im not good enough.. My feeling is that its closer to the first scenario, and the LW is making it seem worse than in is. Thats true, I had that thought that maybe the mom and daughters perspective on assignments was skewed. I agree with what Wendy said, but I also think the dad needs to show interests in her interests. Encourage her to have fun with him. I really dont think this situation falls entirely on the husband. Anytime someone starts a comment with an um, I dont bother reading it because its bound to be condescending. I think she may even already suspect this otherwise why ask you to approach him on her behalf? Driving a car in dreams can reveal thoughts and feelings about who or what is controlling your life, how in or out of control you feel, and how clear you are about your goals or destination in life. For the first time in my life, I woke up at 5:30 a.m. to be at the stream, fishing pole in hand and waders on, to fly fish with my dad. But it was annoying. My father would have considered my sister and I uninformed if we held an opinion that he didnt share, even if we weighed both sides and did research on the issue. When I was 12 I was into makeup, boys and candy. painted_lady I hope the LW sees your comment. Seriously, have you heard their new stuff? I agree with everything Wendy said, and your daughter will certainly benefit from spending quality time with him, even if they arent doing things that she necessarily enjoys. 'My husband is a terrible driver. I dont see the comparison between telling a small child about healthy eating habits and forcing them to eat veggies and this situation. He started throwing me out at 13 for reasons like my friend being weird, my hair being weird, my music being terrible, etc. I watched it when I was a kid. The idea that you want your husband to now turn into what YOU probably secretly have always wanted him to be a fellow fanboy! By keeping a few key things in mind, you can make headway in even the toughest situations. , temperance Other times, it may be something more complicated, such as unresolved feelings of jealousy or resentment. Not knowing who the Beatles were, I thought it was something ABOUT beetles, and asked them Is it interesting? . You may need to have a conversation with your husband and daughter separately to get to the bottom of whats going on. July 3, 2013, 2:36 pm. Huge difference one is laughing with you, one is laughing at you and I think when your daughter is 12 and you are having trouble getting along that it is on the adult/father to go the extra mile and make sure that you arent being a jackass in an effort to be humorous. I just happened to end up having a pretty great kid, and a pretty great guy. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. I actually wish my parents had exposed me to more things, even things I didnt like. July 2, 2013, 12:07 pm. Be her parent and let her friends be her friends. . Ha! I think it still disappoints him that I dont enjoy it, and havent watched it all. I agree weddings can be stupid . I think its great that he invites her and wants to share his interests with her. I wanted to spend more time with him so he took me golfing with him early in the morning, even though I didnt know how to play. Finally, try to create opportunities for one-on-one time between your husband and daughter. WTF youre her mother not her BFF get it together and help your husband round her out! Here are some signs that your father had narcissistic tendencies or was an outright narcissist. Moreover, his interests could actually I dunno help make her a more well rounded person. Old Medication, New Use: Can Prazosin Curb Drinking? Theres forcing your kids to do something outside of their comfort zone, normal range of interests which I am ok with and then theres refusing to listen to music in the car EVER? I cant think of a single interest that we shared from when I was a teenager that I didnt learn from him in some way. . He rolls his eyes not at her accomplishments, but her timewasters A rather big difference. (Which is fine, I guess. Here are a few things you can do to try and improve the relationship between them: Its not uncommon for daughters to want their parents to divorce. Sounds to me like not only is dad not interested in or even bothering to take an interest in any of his daughters interests, but he also disparages them and her calling her uninformed, lacking initiative and uncompetitive and bitches because she isnt more like what he wants her to be like. Please dont disparage science fiction/fantasy as not being intelligent or low-brow for children and adults. My mom and I both liked movies, reading, pop culture, and shopping. July 2, 2013, 12:00 pm, Haha, I know your story honey, and am very jealous of your mom. But what upset me more is his reaction. How are those pre-teen interests? I had his favorite dinner prepared and all possible distractions blocked. Hes so dreamy, if not annoyingly alpha-male-y. I had the same experience at college! Agree i cant imagine being receptive to spending time with my dad when it consists of him mocking what my 12-year old self likes AND assigning me reading assignments. Im a mom of a 14 yr old version of this LWs daughter mine is going to One Direction on Thursday, and will be spending all of Wednesday and Thursday both preparing for this epic event. Ive always found board games to be boring and so does my daughter. To me, those things just come along with being part of a family. Im not saying that it is ok to be cruel because kids need to grow a thicker skin. What is ok depends on the temperment and personality of every child. I remember how happy my dad was to spend time with me and to share something with me that he was so passionate about. It should be a crime to roll your eyes at Buffy. Tell you husband to ease up a little bit. Here are 5 common ways I unintentionally pushed my husband away. What is arguable? We didnt have to share the same interests, but it was spending time with each other that mattered. But believe it or not, a lot of my nerdy students do like Buffy quite a few of them go to conventions, and as far as I can tell, theyre just giant nerd festivals, so its actually kind of easy to encounter something that was popular 15 years ago because where there are nerds, there is Buffy. I made him put on 2 more episodes before we stopped because we HAD to go to sleep. lets_be_honest If she likes Star Trek and Firefly and he likes science they might both like going to a science museum. I think this is a great point. When my family went on vacations as a kid, I didnt get a say in where we went. Haha, are you saying I should stop saying that listening to Taylor Swift on repeat is annoying? Their mind is broken, causing them to seriously overestimate their driving abilities. lets_be_honest A perfect starting point would be just a general interest activity, like board games or going to get ice cream. You have to admit, its kind of fun catching and reeling in the fish. No one ever said that being a parent would be easy, and when your husband and daughter dont get along, it can be especially difficult. Wow, Im glad Im not the only one whose beliefs on the cosmos/humanity have been influenced by Star Trek. It may take years and years before the pay-off is apparent. Your kid may not always enjoy the activities you make them do, but part of being a parent is helping them develop into a good adult. The Inner Light, frequently hailed as one of the most poignant sci-fi television episodes of all time. Yeah, unless you get something you cant do like spell backwards while jumping on one foot, then it just sucks, and you feel stupid. It must suck to have go some where with the two of them, and because your wife wants to be best friends with your daughter, you probably cant even talk with her while they are together. Yes, I know firsthand how much some Buffy fans just need to shut up about that blasted show. THIS is the problem, not the fact that a 12-year-old girl likes 12-year-old girl things. Surely, they can find a few places where their interests overlap a little bit. Give up some of your precious one-on-one time with your daughter so that your husband can take her hiking or camping or to a science museum. Its awesome to have your children engaged in the world (government, politics, history, etc). (Kept me sane), Astronomer My Dad and I had similar interests so it was real easy to build a relationship with him with my sister not so much, he didnt know how to relate to her as she had all the same interests as my mother. If the later is the case, I would seriously consider whether or not husband wants to change and work on himself and if not, I would maybe get out. bittergaymark But he also doesnt need to pretend to like whatever she is in to. My mom hated most of those things and really didnt make an effort to get involved. If your daughter has seen how much pain and suffering can come from being in an unhappy marriage, she may not want to put herself through the same thing later on down the road. I do believe he is some what of a jerk with the fact that he really doesnt put any effort in to anything she likes though. This time is precious and its fleeting, and its understandable that you want to be well, greedy with it. They loved the entire concept and they loved the show. Id like you to point out the things that you find fun or interesting along the way so I can see it from your eyesand then next week, the new Star Trek movie is out on DVD, so I would love for you to watch it with me. Ooh, that was common ground for my dad and sisters and I. Mini golf. When I asked why she didn't say something to him then, she said that they only ever talk about college stuff and the moment never seems to be quite right. Seriously. And to be 10, 11, 12, 13 and know that my sheer presence could make my dad so happy? Obsessed with dolls? YES! honeybeenicki July 2, 2013, 12:29 pm. No. The problem is, he's never been able to relate to them and, even when he does talk with them, he causes an argument or upsets them. I consider myself mature and intelligent, yet Ill still watch mindless shit sometimes. How to Convince a Senior to Stop Driving. In the last 2-3 years my husband and daughter have has a strained and tense relationship because of her actions and his attitude. Be happy that your daughter has a father who wants to be involved in her life. I always hated fishing growing up, but it meant that I got to spend time with my dad, so I went. Hes not interested in that because that would require work and compromise on his part. I have to agree. This is the one person in the entire world who truly has your back. July 2, 2013, 1:27 pm. lets_be_honest He is honest, reliable, and sincere. Its not cool that Dad is rolling his eyes at his daughters interests and hobbies. Express appreciation in your husbands interests so that your daughter may learn to appreciate them or at least be curious about them too. And dont EVER talk negatively about one spouse to your children. Your email address will not be published. However, now as an adult, he appreciates my intelligence and how much thought and research I put into topics, even if we dont agree. Me and my husband have a 4 year old daughter together. Thanks temp! 2 weeks later his wife tried killing him, leaving him in the hospital for 3 months. Only one parent here is enforcing assignments on their child. I read ahead in my history textbook during class because I liked it so much. July 2, 2013, 1:12 pm, It wasnt deliberate. Hopefully, when he sees that it's his entire family that is worried, he'll see that change is needed. Make it clear that it's not just his children that feel this way but you as well, and that something must change. Being a parent is more about shaping your child to be secure, well adjusted, happy (etc!!) He didnt tell me The Right Stuff was a terrible song, he tried to play me some Beatles or Eagles to open my mind. Most passive aggressive folks have two things in common: 1. Think "he's a big boy" "He's a grown man. But those are not her interests right now, although she does participate when he asks her to. Its a source of strength, comfort, and love. I think compromise and parental teamwork will go a long way here. Absolutely Dad! I think the fathers criticism is a major problem, although I also think the daughter should be encouraged to become educated and skillful in the things hes attempting to teach her too (life is better when youre well-rounded and competent in a lot of things). Crazy-makers often give up the love they most desperately need when they feel any sense of an obligatory payback. Ask the GP: Could taking statins affect your dreams? No we're not on speaking terms after he decided to sell his grandmother's home (my wife's mother) instead of keeping it. Yeah, and you definitely dont win the parenting award when you focus more on getting your kid to be your ally, as opposed to sticking up for your child. Being My Husbands Caregiver is Exhausting. July 2, 2013, 1:01 pm. Her daughter should stop liking it just because her mother likes it. Addressing issues with the person whos causing the problem is just a good habit to get into, you know? Usually sharks.). Eating vegetables or just trying any new food? But you seem to have past that point long ago) Just as your husband has tried to cultivate in her his interests. July 2, 2013, 11:57 am. I even managed to convince him to watch Firefly (he loves Jayne. When they are able to see the effect it has on the ones they love without being seen as intending to harm, they are surprisingly willing to change. Asshole My son had his wedding days ago. I cant believe you didnt address that. Of course its going to drive her away from him. Youre mad at your dad, not at me! I mean, maybe? The kid keeps it all inside because she doesnt want to disappoint Mom, and the relationship with Dad dies. When crazy-making partners are not driven by malevolent motives, they are very open to changing their behavior if it is pointed out in a non-judgmental environment. But the show as a whole, awesome. Try to get him to nix the assignments things (because, I mean, UGH) and remind him that shes only TWELVEshell eventually grow out of the fangirldom. And that if he continues to do so, he risks damaging these relationships still further. And imagine the lesson you would have learned if your dad had rolled his eyes at your piano recital, etc. But he always treated me like an adult and respected and loved me and I think he had a huge hand in making me a pretty confident 24 year old woman and I know what I want and deserve from boyfriends. . It will also provide a model for her of living a rich adulthood, embracing passions and sharing passions them with the people you love (and showing interest in their passions!). And LW- anyone who tells you Firefly is not a good show doesnt know what their talking about! That time was never truly enjoyable, no matter how much I enjoyed myself because I just wasnt compatible with his personality. Otherwise, how are kids going to learn tolaugh at themselves? Scifi and fantasy have an adult audience for a reason (and a lot of the scientists on your husbands shows were inspired to study it because of Star Trek and the like). LW, what kind of music does your husband like? Here are 16 ways husbands can unintentionally push their daughters away: It can be difficult to maintain a good relationship between your husband and your daughter, but there are a few things you can do to help. Or other strategy games (Small World, Ivanhoe, Nuns on the Run) might be a great way for all of you to connect. painted_lady Or if shes interested in other fantasy series (ex. I hated being around my father because it was constant criticism about my interests, which frankly, felt very personal because I was deficient for not being what he wanted. Manchester United bidders move to the next stage of takeover process', Remo Freuler admits Everton's visit is biggest game of season for Forest. (My parents zydeco phase was an odd one.) Mother of a Fangirl. Your husband and your daughter are both geeks at heart, which is encouraging. Shes not talking about the Kardashians, but is talking about shows/books that mature, intelligent adults like. 6napkinburger I wish you hadnt been so dismissive of counseling or parenting sessions (or PAIRS workshops, they are designed for couples but work great for family relationships as well!!) Ive never had anyone go, Oh my gawwwwwwd, PL, whyyyyyyyyyy? This breed of intimate relationship dweller does the opposite of maintaining a sane interpersonal environment. Hed had a lot to drink and wanted sex right then. Its almost like shes commiserating with her daughter as though hes her father also. Whats ok is to have a balance. bittergaymark He also occasionally went to movies with us. He went to jail for beating up his new wife and hurting her little boy. July 2, 2013, 12:33 pm. She doesnt want counseling, but maybe parenting classes? But are there REALLY that many teen girls into Star Trek? That means the communication isnt effective and it may be that your husband has to hear this from someone outside the situation. We were so thrilled. Instead, try to understand why they are pulling away and what you can do to support them during this time. One of these people is an adult and one of these people is twelve. Ya know what happens when Mom encourages the relationship and Dad continues to belittle the kid? July 3, 2013, 12:54 am, Uh oh some you will be called BSLBH. If this girl is a only child and is used to having her mom love all the same things she does, then she may not be particularly receptive to reading about something that doesnt interest her or doing things she doesnt like. Spyglassez I didnt get the sense that the LW is only liking or disliking things to get closer to her daughter. Over time, you may have begun to feel a little desperate, wondering if there wasnt some sort of underlying game going on. I know from personal experience. If it doesnt come from both sides, its hard to want to do something with the other person, if the other person doesnt do anything to see your side of it. Last weekend she wanted to spend time just the two of us so I found a great B-and-B and set up a romantic weekend. He is also very critical of both of us, but particularly of her lack of competitiveness (she hates team sports, and takes archery and piano but only for fun), lack of initiative, and being uninformed,, Yep. His GP should be able to refer him to an appropriate local counsellor or he could contact the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (bacp.co.uk). I desperately wanted to be an astronaut? The opposite gender relationship in a family (IMO) kinda shapes future relationships your daughter may have with boyfriends. I think the good sign is that LWs daughters interests tend towards the geeky. Ive seen a lot of mothers and teenage daughter relationships that are so close that the mother sort of pulls away from her husband. July 2, 2013, 12:15 pm. But since we dont know which type of person the girls father is (bullying and hurtful, or rude/stubborn yet ultimately well-meaning) I think its helpful that people who had experience in this issue can comment. Find a common ground youve got to. honeybeenicki I would go on drives to see the eagles, fished, endured Cardinal games and college basketball games. Being oblivious to financial matters. I dont know that I really have a favorite anymore I just like that theyre together again. I agree with this, except, I dont think the mother was intentionally pushing these shows on her, it probably just happened. July 2, 2013, 11:25 am. Really not sure why I waited so long. (Its not in the joking way, either, but in the Temperance never gets to choose another movie again way.). Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. An example of data being processed may be a unique identifier stored in a cookie. Build him up to your daughter while your opinion still means something to her. If your teenager is starting to pull away, it is important to resist the urge to panic or try to force them to spend more time with you. I did so out of obligation and obedience, but now that Im older, I certainly appreciate what I learned, and wish I had paid more attention than I did. If you dont find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), do a search in the search bar, or submit a question for advice at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com. You wouldnt even ask that of an adult; why do you expect a kid to be okay with it? I adore them and love them as people, not just my parents. July 2, 2013, 12:02 pm, Obviously, but thats just because youre wrong and not because of the certain, lasting trauma it will cause for lil. Youre caught between two people you love, and you have to figure out how to keep the peace. And relinquish some of your time with her so that your husband can have a chance to nurture his own relationship with her. My dad said to me that the best thing you can do as a parent is expose your kid to all of their options and let them decide from there. Other times, you may have felt you were doing everything right to get a predictable outcome, but your efforts were unproductive or even erased. oh, wait - his father wanted nothing to do with him for years. bittergaymark My personal relationship with my dad was almost non-existent when I was a tween/early teen, except for those forced family moments. At 12, anything my dad would listen to I really had an interest in because I never heard songs like that. 1. 6napkinburger 6napkinburger Liquid Luck honeybeenicki First let me say that my daughter is getting married and her dad is no help. What is this site, a Masters program? Your first reaction is to take sides, but you realize that would be a mistake. We try to make it fun and do it as a family (not go to your room and read 3 Nat Geo articles and I want a full report) and often make games of it. Sometimes those things just happen. So yes, foster her interests, but cultivate in her an ability to relate to other people and appreciate their interests too. Exactly Lily! It sounds like your husband feels really left out and is more just reacting than being proactive about changing things. I know I did. A lot of them could lean into things he likes Firefly could lead into an interest in science. The mother is at a loss as to why her husband is driving her daughter away, but she has a few theories. They have to come at this from a position of mutual respect. I experienced an adolescence where most of my interests were labeled garbage and where I was told my lack of interest in playing sports was a character flaw that would doom me to failure as an adult. You need to be very careful, then, to avoid reacting out of worry or false guilt. Loved Jurassic Park and Baywatch of all things. So, I have actually always been closer with my dad to be honest. One other thought is that, maybe this really isnt about the daughter, but about her and her husband, she references herself a lot in this letter, and maybe she really has a problem with the way he treats her, but she just doesnt want to admit it. You are actually the only other person not from Scranton that has known what the show was! Also hi BGM. Totally agree on the respect issue. Educational trivia game, reading articles and discussing them together or in a game format. I really think there might be a way for dad and daughter to meet in the middle here.